saw my very first death today. i've seen the aftermath of plenty a fatal shooting/accident scene. but after i thought on it today, i've seen very few bodies.
before today, i'd never seen anyone actually get killed in front of me. i'm okay, but i'm not sure i'm completely okay, you know?
there was a hostage situation at a bank in louisville. the gunman let all the hostages go after his demand of white castle hamburgers was filled, then he came out with a rifle cradled in his arms.
he didn't point the gun at the swat officers staged just to the right of the bank, but he lunged at them. you could tell that his steps were the opening steps of a run, right at the officers.
the officers opened fire and i watched blood explode from various parts of his body.
i don't remember my hands touching the camera after he came out the door, but i glanced at the tape later and saw that i fluid framed with him as he came out, then when he hit the ground, i panned over to the swat officers, then back to him.
i've been told i did a good job keeping my head and following the action smoothly. indeed, the camera barely shakes.
but i don't know how "good" of a job i really did. i captured a moment where a desperate man put others in the position of ending his life because he wasn't able to do it himself. i don't know if "good" came out of anything that happened today, other than the hostages all being okay.
i'd like to talk with the officers that fired and find out what they're thinking. if they're thinking about this as much as i am. if they're angry this man - who they've probably never met before - put them in this position.
the thing i wonder about myself in all this, is what do i feel right now? i came damn close to loosing my breakfast right after i saw it in my viewfinder, and when my reporter put me on air via phoner to explain what i saw, i can't be sure i didn't drop any f-bombs. i have no idea what i said.
but right now, i just feel detached from it. it's only been seven or eight hours since it happened, but it feels like i should feel something other than "well, that happened today".