Chetan...I will start by saying nice try. A natpkg is always a worthy attempt. I hate to tell you this but this is a step backward in my mind from the baseball one you did. You have to remember that you definitely need to outline the structure much better. This is a tough subject but you have enough storylines to pick one and execute it. Think of a story you read...first few chapters probably introduce everyone and gives you the gist of the story...middle chapters have the "conflict"...the end chapters resolve the conflict and close the story (theoritically). So you need to establish just that...the begining (intro)...the meat and potatoes of whats going on (middle)...and finally you get closure to truelly end the story (end). You had all three here but your stuctrue/approach was/is off. The arrival of the soldier is the "moment"...this should lead to the ending...this is the closure you want. The begining is the building of arrival...family and friends getting excited about his arrival...their thoughts on waiting...that sort of thing. If there's a delay...that could be some good tension to work out. I think you shot it too traditionally like as if a reporter was going conducting interviews...you needed some more variety to help with the visual aspect...variety keeps it interesting. So better overall structure would have really helped you here.
