Haunting Dreams

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Bart1963

Member
Are there other cameramen, photojournalists out there who have trouble forgetten some of the images that they have seen? I have been shooting spot news for 14 years, and have another 10 years experience in television, but there are some images that I can't forget and still 10 years after the fact, when I reflect on them they still bring a tear to my eye.

Some of teh worse are not that graphic.....A house fire in Sheastown, about an hour and a half away, a father and three little girls burnt to death. It was on a weekend and it was Monday when I was sent out. There wasn't alot of damage. The fire commissioner ruled it a fat fire. When I got there the windows had been bored up, but there was a swing set and the girls toys in the front yard. I have seen alot of dead bodies, but still this images continues to haunt me. Another was a fatal roll over on the Trans Canada Highway, by the time I arrived, all that was left was the acr, still the drivers salt and pepper hat, and his shoe remain there. Another image, and another accident, on Pitt's Memorial drive and a drunk driving accident. I arrived before the police, a man, that worked as a handy man for one our anchors laided lying on the ground, a vast river of bluish red blood was flowing along the pavement, but worse again. 10 years ago, there was a trans AM accident on windgap road in flatrock. I arrived quickly, although it was about 20 kilometres from where I lived. Even before the police. The car was on fire, trapped and still alive, and screaming in the backseat was a teenager. He seatbelt was stuck, and he couldn't get out of the wreck. The fire departemnt tried to free him, but they couldn't fight back the flames. I don't know what was worse the screams or the smell. It something I will never forget.

For some reason these images stick with me and remain very vivid. I can even count the number of murder scenes and bodies I have seen, fatal accidents and suicides.

Sometimes these images continue to sadden me. Not enough to depress me, but still they bring a tear to my eye and make me sad. How do others in teh feild deal with it. I'm single, live alone, and seldom drink. Any suggestion?

Bart
 

RichVid

Well-known member
I've been shooting alot since the L.A. Riots- 1992. Since then, I must've seen several hundred bodies...homicides, suicides, car crashes, fires... I've seen kids burn to death in cars on our freeways and gunshot victims' lives ebbing away as they spoke to paramedics who were trying to save their lives...Bodies so torn apart you could hardly tell what they were/are. I'm sure hundreds of others (like you) on this site have seen the same...

And in some way, I'm ok with it...I have a loving wife and two beautiful little children... These things make them all the more precious to me...The other thing that helped balance alot of what I've seen and see is/was September 11th. From a news point of view, that was/will forever be THE EVENT, at least in my mind. All the huge fires, big car crashes, and other carnage I see and cover will forever pale in comparison to the things that happened on that day...It keeps me calm when I'm shooting and probably makes me a better shooter...I have this little voice inside saying "yeah, this is great stuff but it ain't sh*t compared to 9-11, and of course, the stuff people are shooting overseas in the Middle East every day!

Sorry for the rambling

Rich
 

Lense_Cap

Well-known member
The way I deal with stuff like that is to keep in mind that I am only an observer. I get there after the fact and there's nothing I could have done to alter the chain of events that lead to whatever awful event I am covering.

Some images stick with me. Nothing that keeps me awake at night but just because they are so out of the ordinary. One time I covered a wreck involving a teenager who had too much to drink and decided to drive very fast in his little riced out honda. The car was cut completely in half by a traffic light pole. They didn't need very much sheet to cover up the victim.
 

dswann

Member
Man, this thread is way overdue.

No doubt, it gets really hard to get clear of all the images we see, all the tragic "survivor" sound that still rings in our ears, even years later.

I have to be a nomad just to let go, but I never really do, at least not entirely. I'll never forget the story that changed my entire outlook on life. I was shooting in one of the worst barrios in West Texas. These people were so poor that they had houses mostly constructed of pallets--you know what I'm talking about? Anyway, there were all these kids just roaming the street that didn't have shoes, they were dirty, sickly, then their dad came out to talk to me. It was noon on a Tuesday, and this guy was so drunk that he could barely formulate a coherent thought. Looking at his kids all I could think about was how even if this guy gave up on his life, how could he not try to get his act together for his kids sake, how could anybody love their kids that little?

Or the seventeen year old pregnant girl in KC who was coming home from a baby sitting job, and was shot to death when some gang a-holes drove by and tried to kill her piss ant drug dealer boy friend--he pulled her in front as a shield when they started shooting.

I think, though, the most painful for me are taking to those left behind to deal with the pieces of shattered life. I did a story a couple of Christmas' ago about a widow who's soul was worth gold. She wouldn't stop trying for the sake of her kids, and ultimately even for people she didn't know. I still think about her almost every day.

It's like the movie "Bringing out the Dead." Every corner has a bad memory--that is when you care. I'm not saying that guys like RichVid don't care. Heck man, you've got something great in your family that keeps you grounded, but I do feel bad for the army of people I know who don't care. If I ever get to that point, I'm out. So to you Bart, I say this, sounds like you've got a lot of heart. That's a damn good thing. I know it gets hard, but if you aren't doing this job, maybe the next guy won't care at all. Somebody's gotta do it honestly, with a grain of compassion. You have more of an impact on others around you than you even know when you are out on these scenes.

peace, bro

dom

[ July 16, 2004, 09:33 PM: Message edited by: dswann ]
 

RichVid

Well-known member
I totally take Mr. 'Swann's position... If you don't do it, someone else with a sick sense of humor (probably just a young gunner) will definitely leap into the breach... I've told my wife so many times I'd love shooting the happy stories...but our society doesn't like to see their news that way (yet)...

The best stories I've ever done were at Xmas time, following the LAPD around in some of their worst areas, stopping to fill a home with gifts and joy that belonged to some family who'd suffered recent tragedy involving death or illness... EVERYONE is your friend on those...

I find myself being very protective of my kids, more so because of what I've seen... I literally almost killed a guy who cut me off and almost caused a rollover with my 2 kids in the car last month...Later, I was in tears...I saw some of the stuff I'd shot with my kids plugged in as the victims...That was my "haunting dream."

So I guess I'm saying I'm not 100% OK with it all the time, but as I've matured, I have the idea that I too am an observer...I don't act like an A-hole at scenes, I try to keep it in good taste as much as possible, and I don't try to rob victims of their dignity to try and get a laugh later...I say we have some responsibility out there...if only to ourselves - to keep us sane! ;)

Rich
 

shootcam

Active member
It's a sad fact that bad things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Not to be rude, but this is what most of the news business is all about. As long as these mostly negative events transpire, I will have a photojournalist job. I am not going to go into detail about post traumatic stress, but you do not have to be a soilder to experience this as well as flashbacks.In my mind over the years I have come to terms with these "bad moments of memories". I have accepted the fact that I am not in control of my life as much as I think I am, and I damn sure am not in charge of what happens to the people who are unfortunate enough to end up on the working side of my lens at probably the end of, or the worst moment of their life.
I emphathize with your pain, but it is a by product of your chosen profession, like it or not.Believe me when I tell you that your awful memories will be just as vivid when you retire as they are when they happened. If you did not feel bad about being at a scene where something terrible happened you would have to be a robot. It seems that we should start a support group for news photographers who are dealing with similar occurences.I learned a valuable lesson not to long ago. It is simple. If you need help, ask for it. Yes we are men, we fight wars, our brothers die, but we must move on. It doesn't lessen the pain.
It sounds to me like you need a live in "partner" to share some of your down time with and to keep your mind and body occupied. Loneliness is a terrible thing. To be alone by choice is not.Personally,I have found that the shower is the best place to cry and drink an alcholic beverage. Here's one to your "mental health." Remember, you are not alone....peace be with you.
 

krazycamera

Well-known member
if only to contribute as a "young fella", I can say we all know it, as hardy as we may play it, or gung-ho and eager as we all are (or once were), we all feel it. If you've been shooting for three years or thirty, we are after all, only human in the end.
 

vidrock

Active member
Children who die, especially accidentally will get me everytime. Like Lense Cap, nothing that gives me nightmares, but I find myself going to bars by myself sometimes. The main reason, sometimes although i'm doing my job like a good little soldier, I feel bad, almost guilty sometimes throwing a light in the face of a mother whose kid suffocated in a accidental fire. I guess the one that sticks out the most is a few years back on the TN-GA border a train hit a bus going to school. 4 dead by the time it was all over, several injured. I was first on the scene because it happened about 10 minutes from my house. But just like cops, firefighters, etc. you get desensatized(sp). It sucks, but tomorrow you may be at the county fair. People think we're cold heartless bastards. But we're no more colder than emergency folks. We just don't save lives. Oh well, comes with the badge I guess......
 

addixicon

Well-known member
My first week on the job I was sent to a quadruple shooting, it was raining, and the scene was very fresh. A line of photogs set up around the police lines to get video. The heavy rain washed the blood down the stoop of the porch where the driveby occured, and brought the watery blood to our feet. It felt like I was in a Scorsese scene. I thought that I had made a bad decision, and wasnt right for the job. It only took a few weeks to become "de-sensitized" by the gang violence. But after 5 years, I still only freak out on the random occurances and freak car accidents. The one that haunts me is a mothers head severed and lying in the middle of a road, it was separated from her body when she was ejected from a car, while driving her kids to school. The children were crying in a squad car, but at least they survived. I also still remember slipping on blood at a highway accident that killed 11. I literally slipped and fell into it. Im glad I dont do General Assignmnet stuff as much as I used to. Im not sure you would be human if these types of images left when you quit for the day.
 

Terry E. Toller

Well-known member
While serving as a combat cameraman in Southeast Asia, I was told by an old salt, "Leave it here. Take nothing home." He was talking about memories... Not easy to do in some cases but you have to leave it where you find it...
 

2raw4tv

Member
I remember having to go to the home of a family whose 6 year old son had just drowned the day before. I was sent to shoot a picture, the desk asked me to see if she would talk. Being a young shooter, I did ask. She broke down. I started crying with her. She had planned to celebrate her son's birthday by taking him to the beach and having cake and a party for him the next day. Instead she had a steady stream of calls from television and radio stations asking her to talk with them.
Seven years later (after leaving the business) my dad was killed as a result of an accident. He was a Sheriff's deputy and it was the "hot" local story. I remember receiving those calls to talk and how cold some of the reporters were on the phone. I promised never to treat anyone as just a sound bite again.
Two months ago I re-entered the business - people asked why, I'm doing this for my dad.

[ April 13, 2005, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: 2raw4tv ]
 
Originally posted by 2raw4tv:
I remember having to go to the home of a family whose 6 year old son had just drowned the day before. I was sent to shoot a picture, the desk asked me to see if she would talk. Being a young shooter, I did ask. She broke down. I started crying with her. She had planned to celebrate her son's birthday by taking him to the beach and having cake and a party for him the next day. Instead she had a steady stream of calls from television and radio stations asking her to talk with them.
Seven years later (after leaving the business) my dad was killed as a result of an accident. He was a Sheriff's deputy and it was the "hot" local story. I remember receiving those calls to talk and how cold some of the reporters were on the phone. I promised never to treat anyone as just a sound bite again.
Two months ago I re-entered the business - people asked why, I'm doing this for my dad.
I'm sorry about your father, and that some of the reporters that contacted you didn't do it appropriately. Having been on both sides, you know that we have to do it, but anyone who can't do it with sympathy or at least respect for the loss should not be in that position.

I'm glad to say that the reporters I have worked with in that position have been respectful of the families grief, sometimes to the extreme. The good ones will accept a "no", will understand if there some anger in the response and not return it, and if the answer is "yes", they sure won't talk them into an exclusive after just telling them it's good to get their story out there.

Considering your response on that drowning story, it seems like you've given proper respect to your subjects from early on. The jerks are the ones that get noticed, but caring journalists like you are what give us a fighting chance to keep our souls intact. Thank you for sharing your story.
 
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