Here's an awesome character and sweet old woman named Chick. She's been campaigning for clean language for over 20 years. This was the first story I've written and tracked so any input would be helpful.
So this is overall not too bad...its a good subject matter so you had a good premsis. However where I think this faulted was in its execution. You had a good character...you got some nice shooting and nats to use...had some location variety...so you can't ask for more. While you decided to jump right in and get the story started...you would have been better off building up to this great character. Use the auto shop as a scene setter...because most people might think the auto garage is a place of crude, obnoxious talk...so you need to use that opposite to your advantage. I didn't understand the transition to the resturant...you needed some piece of track to explain the why...the closing of the door wasn't enough of an explainer. And of course you needed the most important factor that was obviously missing...where's the conversations...hearing people talk?....you could have used that to help bolster this piece. Chick's daughter interview placement was weak...and that was your closing? I think you needed a little better setting to really have brought it all together. So structure on this one was your nemesis. But everyone will attack a story differently...just try and find a better way to get into the story if you have the time. But this is a good story...good elements to work on to get better.
Thanks man that was great feedback. I really felt like the elements were there to do a great story with this lady and yeah I should have executed a couple of things differently. I do appreciate you jumping on almost every critique on b-roll, it's helped a lot.
P.S. Would you also take a look at this vineyard harvest story I shot? I don't get the chance to natpkgs too often, and this was a fun shoot.