Airplane! (the sound, not the movie)

[Todio]

As a soundie my nemesis is the airplane, especially in the middle of a sensitive invu. The other day a client books a hotel interview with a major CEO. This guy has limited time to spend with us. The client books a room in a hotel just off the airport because CEO is either flying in or out somewhere and it's real convenient. I'm sure you can guess the issue... I
come in and mediately hear 4 planes fly over head in the first 5 minutes. I tell the producer this and he asks "Is this going to be a problem?" "Do you want the sound of planes in the interview?" I ask. "Of course not." he replies. "Then it's going to be a problem." I deadpan. "Well can't you do anything about it?" I give him a whithering stare and contemplate a world allowing soundmen to legally carry S.A.M.s...

Sure enough, every 2 minutes or less there'sxa 747 landing in the hotel room and afterthe tenth I've given up even mentioning them, I just put up my hand like a plane in the producer's eye line (to inform him that I'd may wish to ask the question again) After the 20th time he's just dismissing me so I give up even doing that.

After the shoot he pulls me aside and says how disappointed he was with me, he'd heard good things about me and was disappointed I couldn't do anything about the situation (as if I had rented the hotel...) I'm flabbergasted! The shooter even comes to my side but the producer tells him not to get in the middle.

Sheesh

I'm hoping he'll calm down and realize that the planes weren't my fault but I'm not holding my breath. Meanwhile I'm afraid that he'll start slamming me around town.

[A Step Above Productions]

You could have called air traffic control and asked them to put the planes in a holding pattern. To it sounds like the producer is fusterated (like yourself) and just took it out on you.

[Sean-1966]

Sometimes I wonder what world some producers live in. I was in a similar situation several years back. I was shooting right beside Pearson, outside. The producer figured we could just filter the airplane sound out. I wouldn't worry about it Todio. If he tells the story like you did anybody who understands even a little about production will get it.

[Deaf and Blind]

Mate, my heart goes out to you.

Yes I think all sound recordists should be legally allowed to carry an Uzi and an assault pump action shotgun.
If they gave us S.A.M's some one may get just a tad upset as the twisted wreckage would build up faster than Govt agencies could blaim it on Al Quida.

In these situations you need to act fast...

Firstly grab a spare XLR cable and garrot the stinking ba$tard producer right in front of the cameraman.
Get the cameraman to order up more towels to the room while you grab the now deceased producers mobile phone. He's not going to argue as you just wasted a producer right in front of him.
Now we know the phone will be on as producers don't really give a fuc# put a bit of gaffer tape around it and go stick it to the underside of a Taxi or if lucky a UPS Truck. That way the detectives will think his ass was driving around town all day from his cell phone records as it jumps from cell to cell.
Should it fall off the vehicle then the records stop at a random point and who's going to pay any attention to a smashed cell phone laying in the street.

Go back to the room and stuff the producers body in the cubord.

Do the interview but as the producer did not show you will have to ask the questions.
After the talent has gone drag the producers body in to the bathroom and cut him up in the bath. That way you can drain all the blood with minimal mess. See those extra towels were useful.
put all those chunks of producer in the road cases and pile the equipment on top, no one will notice. The extra towels again come in handy stopping blood dripping all over the nice carpet and marble in the lobby.

Dispose of producer out of the vehicle in small bits at parks, the back of Dennys or any fast food chain. No one will notice the extra rotting meat smell.

Deliver tapes to client and slam that useless fuc# producer who did not show up.

Get invoice in fast as you may need the money for an attorney.

It's not perfect but it's more in line with those dark thoughts we have locked away in our headphones when it all goes to 5hit.

And those cameramen thought we were such nice people.

[dhart]

Nutty producer, shake it off. There appears to be more and more producers entering this biz without any technical knowledge of their craft. It's sad and moronic at the same time. I had a producer glare at me when I couldn't make a hot August day look like winter for a recreation. Couldn't wait to get her back to the airport :-)

[f11vid]

In the Midwest, we get periodic infestations of Cicadas. These insects emerge from the ground by the millions and make a deafening racket.We had a young producer in from New York who wanted to do an interview outside. We assumed that she heard the cicadas' din.We asked if we could do it inside. Nope.We're on the second question when she says, " What's that?" I explain what it is.She does not understand. I speak more slowly.Vacant look. Finally,she says, " Well, can't you DO something about it?"