Single dads. What do/would you do?

[LoomisP2]

Great. Got that dream job offer. City I've always wanted to return to. Even before I was a news photog I've wanted to get back to this city. It's two thousand miles away from where my son is. I stay crazy involved in his life.(9 years old) Baseball and school. I've been away from him as a photog but, no more then 175 miles away.
Any others out there want to comment on how they deal with it? Thanks.

[El Guapo]

I wouldn't take the job.
What's more important? A dream job? Or being a part of your childs life?

[sonybetacam79]

Family first no matter man!! Have you set down with him and talked to him about it yet? No job is worth not seeing your kid(s)! Good luck with your decision!

[Land Rover]

I too am a single dad but my six year old son stays with me half the time. I can't imagine what it would be like to be that far away from him. How far away is the new job? What would be your schedule there? It would imagine that it would be quite hard to keep him on your own and work in news. When my wife left a few years ago I had to get out of news and find something else. I now have a shooting position that is basically 8 - 5, M - F with very little overtime so I know I can take care of him on my own. I would really think about this job and how little you would get to see your child. Perhaps one day down the road something like it would come open again but right now your son needs you more than anything else. As he grows up he'll appreciate the sacrifices you made for him.

[Latin Lens]

Yea....I say family first. My son isn't close to me and its killing me. He's almost five and now he is getting involved in all sorts of sports and activities. Its not easy to be in your situation so I am not enyvious of the decision you have to make....but good luck.

[newz2me]

A job is someplace you go for 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week. A child is your life. Someone once said that children are our imortality, part of us that will continue on long after we're gone. Family always comes first. The most important job in the world is raising a child to one day become a productive part of society. Instilling in them your values and life lessons and offering advice during those akward years. Boys need a father figure to teach them how to be a man and girls need an example of what a man/future husband should be.
They grow so fast, especially when they're really young. You could easily miss so much and become a stranger in their lives. A job is a job, they come and go, but your child only grows up once. I wouldn't want to miss it.

[Hiding Under Here]

I am the father of four children, two girls, two boys. I am not single, I am still married to my wife of twenty-four years. And all of it, keeping the marriage together, being a reasonably good father, staying ambitous and relevant as a photographer, has taken more work than my imagination allowed me to consider all those years ago when I naively envisioned myself succeeding at everything I attempted. There's the ideal. And there's reality. Reality is a very difficult thing to acknowledge and deal with.

I think staying "close" to your children is the single greatest thing you will ever do in your life. And by "close" I mean it in all definitions of the word -- close to them geographically AND emotionally. The single greatest worry that I had, the concern that forced me to stay with my wife when things got difficult (and for most people it gets difficult), was the idea that my children would wake up in the morning and not have instant access to me. Sure that happens when I travel. But they know I'll return.

If you are divorced, that's a done deal. But I think your children need you around. Fathers communicate competence to their kids. They are the fixed foot of the compass that allows their children the confidence to move farther and farther away from home, to kindergarten, college, marriage. No doubt it involves a certain amount of sacrifice. What's the alternative, though?

I say, stay. See your child as often as you're able. Be the best you can be in life, at work, nearby. Let them see you doing that.

[Some Guy in LA]

"You can't hug your job."

[A Step Above Productions]

"You can't hug your job."

Well said -

I am the father of a two and a half year old son – I am married. So I am not completely in your shoes. I could not imagine being away from my son. He is what keeps me going when I have days from hell. I know when I get home no matter what - he will say “hi daddy” and kiss and hug me. That rite there is the best thing in the world.

Now I travel from time to time and that kills me just being away from him for a few days.

Don’t take the job – I don’t care what it pays!!!! No job, no money, no success, will replace “hi daddy”. Stay near your son.

Don’t forget when you are a father, you come second – you kids come first.

I left a job I loved and area I loved to move home so my wife, son, and I would be closer to family. We moved from our dream area to be where we ourselves grew up so my son would be around his grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. We moved home for him, and it was well worth it.

There is nothing like family!!!

[LoomisP2]

Ugh! So difficult.
I remember J. Gross saying things to that effect (Family first) at the 2002 NPPA workshop in OK. I also remember seeing D. Wert there and at a flying seminar (he wouldn't know me, I dont think) and seeing not to long ago that he was leaving ATL as Chief to return to his young son. When I read that I could not fathom what that was like. Except that it would be difficult at best.

I have three loves: Son, News, and Baseball. I've coached his team and worked on the science projects with him and just watched him sleep. I know he would not be the young man he is without me in his life.
I'm not married but did get his mom to move out to the suburbs where I went to school and think the school district is better. But the chance at this top 15 market and the pay is what makes it tough. Without saying too much, home right now is close to a top 5and top 35 market. The top 5 news, in my mind sucks(I've worked there too), this coming from a NPPA head. Nothing open at the top 35 yet. But wait...money? Who cares right? Family first. Now while me and the mom never had to go to court (thank goodness) to settle anything I contribute very little. In the extended area is a top 140! and 85. Low pay. Oh I was Chief at the lowest area market. But I want to join the land of those who can pay the bills and then put some away in savings.
I lean more towards not going very far away from my son. And those posts here help me think a lot. Thank you.

[Land Rover]

Ugh! So difficult.
I remember J. Gross saying things to that effect (Family first) at the 2002 NPPA workshop in OK.

I was there in 2002.

[Oldhuskie]

Ugh! So difficult.


Nothing difficult about it. Kids come first.

[TexasDave]

I have no kids. But at my very first shop - there was a very talented senior photog. One of the best I've worked with. He did no belong in a small market. (90+) and asked him why? He had awards. He had skills. He had kids. He was divorced and it meant more to him to stay close to his kids.

Maybe something to consider...my friend could have been in any market, but stayed at a small one to be by his family. Don't know your options, but he was the chief in a small market to be close to his kids, rather than a 'dreamy' big market making $$$ and without his chill'ings.

[Heel on Hill]

Stay as close to your son as you can. You will never get that time back and never be able to re-do all of those moments. It may be your dream job in your dream city but what is better than raising your son? Especially at this age, he needs your guidance and support.

[AlexLucas]

When you look back on your life and career, are you going to say-

"Man, I shot some really good pkgs! Saw some cool stuff!"

Or will it turn out as...

"Man, I really screwed it up with my son."


This isn't a choice. This is an obligation. If I didn't have a wife I loved, and now a son, I would tell you this, I would have jumped for the brass ring. I made decisions about my career, and I waller in them every day, and it's a pain somedays. Yes, pain.

It comes nowhere near the pain of my life when my wife and newborn left over Christmas for two weeks because I had to work. I was physically ill. My chest hurt.

That should give you a rough idea of what that "dream job" will do to you when you can't see your son. Two thousand miles? You'll never see him again. EVER. There is just no way. You have to be realistic about this. Two thousand miles is another life away from him. You can't vist, no matter how hard you try.

You're going to have to decide to be a man some day. Being a man means making the crappy decision for you that is better for others.

[Hiding Under Here]

One word of caution to those posting on this subject. All of us have to be careful about how certain we are of ourselves. This man was open enough to ask a question in a public forum. Obviously this conundrum isn't easy for him. However, being heavy-handed and implying that he has no righteous alternatives isn't the answer. He has choices -- as we all do -- and he will live with the consequences of those choices. It's easy to get preachy about doing the right thing. Particularly when its the written word by anonymous posters. I think the verdict of what we think is relatively unanimous. We should now offer him good luck in making up his mind, not pile on to his already difficult dilemma.

So, I say, best of luck in making your extremely difficult decision.

[Oldhuskie]

One word of caution to those posting on this subject. All of us have to be careful about how certain we are of ourselves. This man was open enough to ask a question in a public forum. Obviously this conundrum isn't easy for him. However, being heavy-handed and implying that he has no righteous alternatives isn't the answer. He has choices -- as we all do -- and he will live with the consequences of those choices. It's easy to get preachy about doing the right thing. Particularly when its the written word by anonymous posters. I think the verdict of what we think is relatively unanimous. We should now offer him good luck in making up his mind, not pile on to his already difficult dilemma.

So, I say, best of luck in making your extremely difficult decision.

I disagree. He wrote here to hear what we have to say about his situation and the responses have been overwhelmingly against the move. He can do what he wants but I think the passion of the responses should help him with his decision. I could never live that far from my kids. I miss them during the day nevermind living away from them. What happens if the ex gets married and your not around and suddenly he has a stepdad around to help him when that should be LoomisP2. Just my thoughts.

[(Sin)ical]

Ask your son what's important to him? Since you have a good agreement with his mother, maybe she could truly split custody. Ultimately whatever you decide should be best for you and your son. You are already a better man than many just by being involved in your son's life. Good luck with your decision at this crossroads.

[bassetf5]

Back when I was a reporter, we covered some court action or other in the morning in a town about 40 minutes away, came back to the station, cut the package and then the desk told me I had to go back out there to front it live.

"But my son's first birthday party is tonight."

"Too bad, we need a live element."

I was late for the party, they held the birthday cake and candle till I got there. Started thinking seriously that night about getting out of news. Sixteen years later, I'm in government PR and producing packages for outdoor shows on the side, the kid can do Final Cut and carries a still camera everywhere. Dunno where I went wrong... <G>

[El Guapo]

Ask your son what's important to him?

To me, this is a terrible idea.

First off, the kid is most likely to give the answer he thinks you want to hear. Most 9 year old boys want to please their fathers, so if they feel Dad wants to go, they'll say go even if they don't mean it.

Second, why put the pressure on your child to make the decision for you? Be a man and make the decision on your own. Don't dump the responsibility on him.

I can see using this approach if you kid is a teenager, but a 9 year old? There's no discussion...no decision...stay with your kid.

[F4 Fan]

Allow me to wander here for awhile with a bit for creative writing in an effort to offer my two cents.

A couple of months ago we were covering a scintillating cellular phone convention in Orlando. Aisle after aisle of look-a-like cell phones on display all being touted as the next great thing by their respective public relations flaks. At best a mind-numbing assignment, at its worst a back breaker for a camera monkey who has to haul his tripod and camera through the endless corridors and booths of corporate pitchmen. Save for a balky suitcase editor, a blown dual path live-shot and late night meal reservations, it hadn’t been a bad three days. Most everything I’d shot had been in focus and the blue video came from the trade-show lights, not my failure to white balance.

Our bureau chief is a very generous guy, especially when the network picks up the tab. Six members of our gallant TV band were having dinner on our last night in town, at a nice Japanese restaurant along Orlando’s restaurant row, enjoying sushi and rice wine and sharing war stories. Thing was they were actual war stories.

Our sat-truck operator was new to running trucks. He still wasn’t sure if he enjoyed being cooped up in a tin box as he called, while all the action was swarming on outside the confines of his KU-band edifice. He’d spent two of the last three years in Bagdhad running sound for the networks. The truck-op job was an opportunity to stay out of the middle-east.

The dinner companion on my right, who’d run sound for me the past two days had been to Israel for their latest go-round with Hamas. Nothing like covering a war in Israel he said; especially if you wanted most of the comforts of home.

Our producer, a slight Asian woman from Hong Kong was a veteran from ABC News who and had covered Baghdad during the last visit that the U.S. Army had made there. You remember the one that was supposed to be like the liberation of Paris.

And then there was our pretty editor. She’d never been to any war zones, but being a Jersey girl she’d been shot at (no joke) more times than the rest combined.

In the midst of our conversations and without benefit of any Sake, the little prouder looked up from her Miso soup and proclaimed that everyone should have the chance to cover a war at least once in their career.

I looked across the table at our bureau chief and correspondent. We must have had the same sheepish looks. What had we covered in our careers – um – San Jose for the most part? He went on to explain that he’d had an offer from the network at the start of the war to cover it, but didn’t have any real burning desire to do so. A wife and young son were more important than advancing his career in a battle zone.

As for me, well that yellow streak down the center of my back may not exactly be a red badge of courage but I bet you that I can draw as many snipers with a Frezzi at a Friday night high school football game in the Piedmont as any Humvee that dares to venture to far beyond the Green Zone.

There seems to be some gene in the DNA of certain photographers, reporters and at least one producer that I know of, that whispers to them that their career won’t be complete without working overseas , or in a combat zone or for that matter, in a bigger market. I say that there are stories to tell right in your own backyard – why not tell them?

Far be it for me to offer you any advice beyond that already proffered, but there are some things in life just about as certain as death and taxes. One, is that tomorrow, somewhere, at sometime there will be news. Americans will still play baseball and if you blink, you will miss your children grow up.

I’m 53; I have a seven year old daughter. No one knows what tomorrow may bring. I wonder if I will get to see her grow up, will I give her away in marriage, will I see her bear her own children. I don’t know. But I do know that you do not face any easy decision. Good luck, and for which ever decision you make harbor no regrets.

F4